Uncomfortable.  That’s how I’m feeling today.
It’s a early start on the way up to Liverpool, on a “cross country” train and it’s not that bad a ride.  It’s actually vastly better that “First-and-not-so-Great-as-in-bloody-awful-Western” into London. It features a little more leg room that FGW, but that’s about the extent of the improvements.

Some of them have wifi although this one doesn’t and I’m not upset about that for a change. I’m not really in the mood to be online so far today. Mostly because I’m sick to death of hearing the name Alex-dickhead-Salmond. (well there’s nothing quite like putting your cards on the table up front).

Thursday’s referendum has the potential to destroy a union that has been a bedrock for growth of our land over the past 300 years – and that is undeniable. As much as there has been plenty of banter (or bant’s – to use the lingo of the kids) about the English hate the Scots and the Scots hate the English, as far as I’m aware, it’s always been just that – banter – and not something to be taken seriously. As an Englishman I love he scots, they are a great example of the diversity of our nation – and I will truly be heartbroken should the unthinkable happen on Thursday and they take the banter way beyond ever being funny.

Try to understand it from an American perspective – it would be like Idaho suddenly deciding it no longer wants to be part of he United States, but in fact wants to be its own country with its own government and all that that entails…  Not a part of the Federal system in any way. It’s almost unimaginable, and yet here we sit on the edge of a precipice in which that exact scenario – albeit on the western edge of Europe – may well be played out.

If we take this to logical extremes, then why not everywhere?….  yes yes… I might be onto something here….  I think I’ll hold a referendum and ask the people of my household if they would like to leave the United Kingdom (such as it is) and become its own nation.  “Should my house become an independent nation?”

Right so the votes have been cast, and it’s a 50/50 split between me and the wife…  However. Son has returned from his round the world travels and is living here, so (just like in Scotland) he gets the right to have a vote – imagine he’s a Pole, or German, or from any other part of the EU and is living here while working part time in a bar, or as a brick layer or some such….  unlike daughter, who having lived here most of her life, has moved “South of the border” to her own household, so sadly no longer has a say….  That doesn’t sound very fair does it ? – however thats how the scotchies are playing it. Oh and apparently the cats might even get a go too! (http://ift.tt/1u0lr0R )

So he gets the casting vote…  And it’s a YES…   Oops..  what have we done?

Well, first things first – removal rom the Union. Where do I start?   Guess I need to secure my borders – otherwise all those people in Calais who are trying to enter England (ie anywhere outside of my house) might tunnel up under the floors and out through my front door. This sounds expensive. And I’ll need passports. Oh – but apparently only for me – the wife doesn’t want one because her English passport works just fine and she’s thinking of moving because she’s fed up of having her bag searched every time she pops out to work..   Waste of money having had it printed now..

I’ve got this piggy bank though, which has got most of our savings in it.  Unfortunately it’s a shared piggy bank now, because I made some bad choices a few years ago, I had to let the Unionist government manage it for a while, and now they’ve got it working again they’re saying I can have it back as long as I pay the going rate for it….  I’ve asked the wife and she says she’ll pay a bit every month, but she’s not happy about it…. As a result we’ll have our own piggy bank again, and I might try and persuade some of he neighbours to save some pennies in it, but they’re not keen at the moment..  They say my financial skills cant be trusted after the last debacle. Hmmm, they might have a point.

And of course work is a problem….  I’m alright, I can work from home – much like a Scottish banker – and we can occasionally have guests round to look at the “lovely tapestries” we have hanging in the hall, and buy a postcard in the “gift shop”. Unfortunately though – every single penny has to go into the tax coffers. I have to import almost everything. Tuition fees (something that was previously provided via free view) are through the roof as apparently it costs more to make programs on the telly specifically for me and in fact the BBC are suggesting they may not broadcast to my house unless I keep paying the TV licence (something I  was hoping to avoid having left the Union). The postman says unless I pay more he’s not prepared  to climb the stairs around the outer battlements more than once a week. None of my previous (local) retailers want to set up shop in my country – too expensive they say – and I’d charge them too much tax they say.

Thank God for my underground petrol tank which enables me to sell fuel to the neighbours far cheaper than they can get it at their English petrol station. Although I’m not sure how I’m going to refill it once it’s empty…… On top of that, son has been spending what little pocket money I’ve been able to give him, on incredibly cheap booze from the bloke next door and is spending most of his time in a drunken stupor – and he’s still wearing ta “Vote Yes” t-shirt… That’s not much help. If only he had a job.

But it’s a different story for the wife. She has to cross the border to work in England and while she might earn more over there (and pay less tax) she’s less than amused at having to then pay a chunk of her salary to me to help feed us and fund my parliament, which she says is unnecessary and I’m also not very good at making the medicine cabinet. Whenever she wants some new headache tablets, I have to buy them in at great expense which ultimately she ends up paying for them…..  I can’t help it. It’s only me and her with the income. She’s got a point that it was easier when the costs were shared with the old union.

Clearly I’ve made a mistake in being both the king and prime minister of my own private Idaho – let’s call it “Home”.  I think I’ll go back to the way it was…..  whats that?  I can’t?  But, surely it’s just a case of changing it back again?  The constitutions been rewritten?  Oh bugger…..  Perhaps I’ll move to England.

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