Time passes…

….and so it is that I find myself sat on a train on a wet Saturday
afternoon in the cold and near dark having survived the Mayan
apocalypse and the WTC Christmas do. According to all the major news
outlets today is last-minute-Saturday (I don’t really hold much truck
with this fad of naming days based on their retail opportunities or
just position relative to a national holiday – but I’m sure I can have
some fun with it). The last Saturday before Christmas Day and all
those that waited to see if the world was going to end, now have to go
and get their present shopping sorted all at a bit of a rush and with
much swearing and jostling I suspect.

Luckily Mrs G and I have been particularly well organised this year –
so what am I doing on a train?

Well, the Wiltshire lads also have to have a Christmas do, and so a
few of us are getting together in that other well known spa city
(Bath) to celebrate the season, have a bit of a catch up and no doubt
rather too many festive beverages.

Now, this being England and the weather being our main topic of
conversation, last-minute-Saturday wouldn’t be half as much fun
without total and utter travel chaos caused by a few drops of rain.
Sure enough, and on cue, the rail network has failed to run smoothly,
aided by a fire in a signal box in Paddington and floods throughout
large parts if the south west. That being said, my journey to Bath
(via Bristol) is running smoothly all be it 20 odd minutes late.

This wasted time (just sitting and waiting) provides the perfect
opportunity for me to actually get on and write something vaguely
interesting (obviously that’s somewhere else- Ed). Actually it’s one
of the rules of life which I recently stumbled upon (see below) and
honestly, if you take note of them – life’s a lot better than you
think it might be.

Last time I promised I’d tell you what the X-37 is up to… Well here
it is. Bear in mind this is tip top secret, not to be divulged to
anyone, keep it under your hat and a nod is as good as a wink to a
blind man – know what I mean? Say no more….

As you’re aware the government have been trying to make some in roads
into tracking all of our Internet usage via various legal routes. Of
course there are several groups who leap on their every move and stop
it in its tracks citing things such as privacy and free speech and so
on and so forth. This makes us all feel good and that we’re winning
the war for an open and free Internet for the benefit of all mankind.

And while we were busy looking into this huge pile of paperwork that
the various governments of the world were creating we didn’t see that
they’d cancelled the space shuttle program if favour of the X-37 to
deal with the Alien invasion and off planet storage of all human
knowledge to a server farm on the dark side of the moon. Probably.

We all know that Aliens first made contact with the governments of the
world in the late 1950’s (although of course they’d been slowly and
surely laying their plans against us for eons before that). Obviously
when we as a populous first ventured into space, they couldn’t have
that and so had to make themselves known. This led to the governments
of the world realising that to preserve human life they’d have to deal
with the Aliens.

It turns out that Aliens like nothing more than looking at pictures of
cats… Especially ones that are dressed up, or pulling strange
expressions in unusual circumstances. Well, actually, not just cats.
They like unicorns with rainbows shooting out of them, they like dogs
dressed up as lawyers, they like knowing that “one simply does not
walk into moordor” and all that other meme based comedy that makes the
underbelly of the internet simply perfect for procrastination. The
only way to stop an Alien eating your brain is to show it a picture of
a cat/dog/random individual with a funny expression… And so “Can I
haz cheezeburger” and 9gag (among others) were invented to protect us
all. Memebase Alpha if you will.

With some governments unplugging or tampering with the internetz –
memes were suddenly at risk and so a mahoosive server farm on the dark
side of the moon has been constructed, (memebase) where a complete
copy of all that sh1te that’s online is kept. This way, should the
unthinkable happen and the internetz fails thus leaving us wide open
to alien attack, then our defences would in theory at least fail over
to the dark side of the moon where Nyan cat, grumpy cat, lawyer dog
and all the other time wasting pop culture distractions would keep us
safe. Think of it as the dumb equivalent of the Star Wars programme
from the 1980’s

I’m pretty sure that’s true, factual and correct – or it might not be.